At Parson’s, we are forced to endure another week of the winning designer not changing models. There are air-kisses, there are good byes. There is Tim Gunn, coming around the scrim, to tell the designers about their next challenge. They will be designing for a fashion legend. To find out who that is, they must follow him on yet another field trip.

As they walk, they speculate as to who this legend might be. An older celebrity? Oompa-Loompa-Licious hopes that it will be Mary-Kay Olsen, because he lurves her and wants to marry her. Oh, good lord. Does that mean Oompa-Loompa-Licious is straight, or that he wants to borrow her clothes because they wear the same size? Fortunately, this idle chatter is cut short as they arrive at their destination in the meat packing district. They enter a show room. It has pretty colors. It has a stairway made of glass that goes on forever. And descending the staircase is their legendary fashion figure: Diane Von Furstenberg. And descending. And descending. This gives the designers plenty of time to get all worked up, and Kenley lets loose with the tears. Jerell declares it a dream come true.

The challenge? To design a look for her fall collection, which is based on the Marlene Dietrich classic film “A Foreign Affair.” DVF gives them a 45 word plot synopsis, and half of those words are locations. Berlin. Shanghai. Paris. New York. Fabulous. Glamour. Where’s Daniel2.0, now? The designers will be allowed to ransack her workroom and use the actual fabrics she’s using in the fall line. The winner will get their garment manufactured and sold exclusively to American Express card holders, due to their sponsorship of the show, and DVF’s contract with Amex. This gets me a touch excited, because, hey! I have an American Express card. Here’s hoping that DVF makes clothes in sizes larger than Princess Puffysleeves does for Bluefly.

The designers have 15 minutes to grab all the fabric they can from the workroom. Jerell recognizes that this isn’t cheap crap and says that he is in heaven. Kenley cries. Stella can’t reach the bolts of black cloth that she wants and asks Tim to get it down for her. He tells her to figure it out, get someone else to do her heavy lifting, or find other fabric. Terri has glommed onto some black mohair from which she intends to make a jacket, some silk with an ugly, fireworks print and then interviews that she’s got the goods to make a pair of (and I quote, really. RJ went back and forth with the TIVO for at least three minutes to be sure) “sickening” pants.

At Parson’s, the designers have about 10 hours to review the look book from DVF’s fall line, design and construct. Leanne is relieved to have immunity in such a hard challenge, but she’s gunning to win again, any way. Straight Joe is doing layers and anticipates making 2 or 3 pieces. Jerell is doing a jacket, top, skirt, gloves and a hat. Kenley is crying. But she’s also going to do just one piece: a flawless, perfect dress that is the embodiment of 1930s Shanghai. She says.

Suede, who learned everything he ever knew about pre-war Berlin from repeated viewings of Cabaret, is going to do a masculine/feminine mash up with a camouflage-like print dress and a herringbone tweed vest. He interviews in THE THIRD PERSON (A-Fuckin-Gain) that “Suede is just focused on what Suede is here to do…hoping DVF adores it” and makes a widdle heart out of his fingers. There is sudden mass retching as MJ, RJ, The Number Three Surrogate Daughter and I all try not to lose the cosmos MJ has made.

Oompa-Loompa-Licious is working with black and has a pile of neon colored fabric at the ready. He interviews that he is a risk-taker, and he’s going to go out on a limb, and not just make another pair of pants like someone he could name. And he rolls his googly eyes. Speaking of the devil, Terri has made some high-waisted pants out of a tweedy, mens-wear fabric.

Stella, Leanne and Terri take a break to have a snack. Leanne asks Stella what she is going to make, and Stella gets very tight-lipped. She doesn’t want to reveal too much to the competition. Stella interviews that she isn’t telling anyone anything because she doesn’t trust Terri. Terri is badgering Korto about what she’s planning and Korto throws down that she’s making a vest. You wanna make a vest, Terri? Go ahead and we’ll take ‘em down the catwalk and see what happens. I’m thinking that nobody likes Terri.

Jerell is working with a dark blue fabric. Korto is saying that she wants to just blow DVF away. Stella, it turns out, is making a vest, a pair of pants and a cape. How this is different from everything else she’s done is yet to be seen. Straight Joe is working magic with a dusty rose fabric. He’s made a backless, wrapped blouse with a high, Asian-influenced collar and black frogs down the front. RJ and I love it.

Leanne is showing a cropped, oversize trench coat over a long evening gown. Her drawing shows a jacket that is so cropped, it looks like a trench bolero. I’m concerned. More disturbing is Leanne’s spy playing that involves skulking around corners and well, more skulking. Suede says that Suede would love to be a spy, but that the blue hair might be a give away. Terri talks trash about Kenley’s little dress. Kenley is still crying.

Finally. Three hours to go, and in comes Tim for a walkabout. He starts with Suede, who is still delusional about what camouflage looks like. Tim has concerns, Suede has crossed fingers (literally) that Suede is going to Bryant Park.

Leanne’s dress is sublime, he says, but edit the jacket: it looks sloppy. It is nothing like the cropped little drawing. Straight Joe’s Shanghai Lil ensemble is found to be ambitious. Tim is concerned about the amount of work left to do in the time remaining. Korto’s using a black and white print and a lemon yellow for accent. There’s a peek of the yellow along the armholes, and she’s piling it on as an underskirt to her evening gown. Tim first thinks the yellow looks like bra straps, then comes around to Korto’s point of view.

Stella explains, nasally, that she’s doing a pant/vest/cape. Maybe a small shirt? She’s wearing the Stupid Twee Hat of Doom. Don’t these people watch the show? The Stupid Twee Hat is right up there with Not Listening to Tim Gunn in the “guaranteed-to-get-you-thrown-off” category. Nevertheless, twee hat firmly perched askew on her black number one hair, Stella dismisses Tim’s advice that the judges found her work to be less than cohesive last week with this amazing exchange:

“They were clueless. That stylist with the oversized muumuu dress and waistband didn’t know any better.”

“Sorry, Rachel Zoe, we mean that in the nicest way poss..”

“No. I don’t. I meant it.”

“TIME!”

Kenley shows Tim her simple, beautiful silhouette with tears in her eyes. Tim warns her that that very simplicity could go either way for her. Kenley interviews (weeping the entire time) that this is Just. So. Big. She’s never designed for anything more high end than K-Mart or Wal-Mart. It is at this point that I realize that Kenley and Stella have the same, grating nasal voice. Not that K-Mart has anything to do with nasal.

Stella grates on about her perfect vest, which we on the couch can clearly see is not perfect, having fit issues and style issues and technique issues that are apparent to us, even in the soft glow of cosmos. She says that she isn’t going to listen to anyone about this. Knock, knock. Who’s there. Foreshadowing. Foreshadowing who? Foreshadowing that this is Stella’s last day at the rodeo.

We have made it to the morning of the runway show, and are rewarded with a shot of Jerell in his boxer/briefs, and just as quickly punished by a shot of Stella in her skin-tight leathers. In a small mercy, she is not wearing those damned Dr. Suess striped leggings. Hair and make up. Bluefly accessories.

Tim tells the designers to knock those pumps right off of Diane Von Furstenberg’s fabulous legs. Did she pay him to say that, do you think? We all notice that Kenley (who is still teary-eyed) is wearing pretty much the same dress as her model, but with large, fuchsia feathered epaulets. There is debate as we try to figure out if those are the fascinators she is so fond of wearing, or actual sleeve things. We finally agree that we don’t much care, and release the TIVO from its pause. This allows us time to watch the designers panic, diss each other and sew right until Tim shoves them out the door.

The guest judges tonight are Diane Von Furstenberg and Fern Mallis.

Joe’s design comes first, and from the couch, we’re loving the hooded shawl and wrap top. Leanne’s evening gown is perfect 1930s glamour, complete with a ruffle down the back seam. The micro-grey flannel trench coat is a little iffy. Terri sends out a furry trench coat thing, with the usual blah blouse and tight pants. Snore. Jerell’s concoction includes one of those Nehru hats he’s always wearing and a bunch of layers of stuff with a skirt that’s a little too short. Korto’s dress and jacket have lovely proportions and the color just pops against the black and white print.

Oompa-Loompa-Licious has made knickers. Or golf pants. Or something. It’s awful and we quickly move on to Suede’s fur-lined vest and faux-camo evening dress. Stella’s cape is sort of nice, in a British bobby sort of way. The vest and pants don’t fit, though. Last out is Kenley’s simple little dress.

Terri, Jerell and Oompa-Loompa-Licious are sent away as safe.

Korto’s look is free. DVF loves the yellow, and the Shanghai influence in the kimon-style wrap.

A close look at Straight Joe’s design reveals a lot of flaws in the workmanship. A lot. Michael says that the whole thing would land a woman in the “What was she thinking?” column in the fashion pages.

Kenley’s dress was colorful and chic. She stops crying long enough to say “I nailed it, didn’t I?” And the answer is no. Heidi says it’s pretty, but had nothing to do with DVF’s look book. Kenley says that’s because it was missing, and she filled in the blank. Diane very dryly thanks Kenley for her astute assessment of what her line needed. Kenley doesn’t recognize sarcasm when it’s wedged that far up her ass by DVF’s fine pumps. Michael allows as how it was beautifully made, and Fern Mallis likes it.

Stella is taken to task by Kors on the fit of every piece. She doesn’t care. Fern gets in a lick with “Stella wasn’t stellar.”

Leanne wows everyone. DVF loves the ruffles. Fern says that the whole look is a whole lot of good design. Suede, on the other hand, is loathed by everyone. The herringbone and print is derided. The skirt is torn to shreds. Michael throws the “Did she get dressed in the dark?” dish on Suede. Suede sort of whimpers that he didn’t think it was that bad. Suede is wrong.

The final results are: Korto is in. Poor Korto, always a bridesmaid, never a bride. I’m thinking she’ll be in Bryant Park, though. Leanne wins her second challenge, and does so going in with immunity. Way to go, little one. Suede is allowed to stay. That leaves Straight Joe and Stella standing in the spot lights. Straight Joe’s look was confused and the back a disaster. There was too much going on. Stella’s work was three pieces of ill-made crap. The entire look was bad, and she is told to leave. As she bends down to kiss Heidi’s cheek, Stella says that her ego was too big for this competition anyway and she never should have been there.

She goes into the back with the other designers and basically tells them all that she’s thrilled to be leaving and that the judges can all go suck eggs. Tim is only too happy to tell her to pack her bags, and she is more than delighted to oblige. And that, my dear readers, is that. Except for the final, nasal “fuck you if you don’t like my stuff, I’m a rock star” that Stella delivers. I rather think that if Jeffery-the-Pinheaded-Shmoo had been kicked off, this would have been the exit interview he gave. The two of them should get together.

Next week? Terri loses her mind.

So now, despite historic interviews and position papers and every other damned thing, we, the voting public are asked to accept that there was choice and free will involved in both Sarah and Bristol’s decisions to keep their babies: Sarah’s late-life Down Syndrome Trig, and the TBD spawn of the underage and unwed teen. The lack of logic in the arguments presented would give my old logic professor (Howard Pospesel) apoplectic convulsions.

A. I do not believe in choice (regarding abortion), to the point where, if my under-age daughter were raped, I would demand she carry the child full term.

B. My child is pregnant.

C. She had a choice, and made the decision to keep her baby and marry the father.

If I remember Dr. Pospesel’s class correctly, this is a fallacious argument, because point A states that there IS no choice. Therefore, point C can only be to carry the child. Unless they are saying that the choice portion was the intent to wed.

And just for good measure, the age of consent in Alaska is 16, which means that there is no cause to charge the baby daddy (who is over 18) with statutory rape.

But let’s just throw a few more links on the bonfire, shall we?

Book Banning? She’s all for it.

The oil boondoggle that’s lining Alaska’s pockets.

Maverick or Neophyte?

Privacy, Pregnancy and the Double Standard

The baby daddy.

RJ is particularly on point today, too.

And no evil, bitchy, inappropriate mud-slinging would be complete without the Rude Pundit’s take on the whole mess.

That’s all you got? Are you kidding me? A creationist fundie with a suspect fifth child? Who defers to her husband, the oil-man?

Do you really think women are so stupid as to confuse this prom queen with Hillary Clinton? How utterly demeaning and dismissive to women is it to think that we’d not notice the basic differences between this twit and Hil? Thinks birth control is the same thing as abortion? Thinks that drilling in the Arctic Wilderness is a cure for oil dependency? Thinks unlimited and unending war in Iraq is a good thing? Thinks that being a hunter is the same thing as being an environmentalist? Thinks that creationism intelligent design should be taught in school?

Yeah, dead ringer for our Hillary, there. What? Do the Republicans honestly think that women will be eager to vote for anything with ovaries and a vagina? Like that’s the be-all and end-all of our concerns?

And good luck with the links. This woman’s web trail is getting scrubbed on a minute-by-minute basis.

ETA: More on Palin’s judgement/circumstances of her last child’s birth.

Kenley interviews that Daniel2.0 was her bestest friend among the designers and she’s sorry that he’s gone. Keith interviews that he doesn’t know how to behave being in the bottom two. (Miz Shoes says that Keith could have ended that sentence five words earlier.) Keith wants to change the way the world dresses. Keith has delusions.

We quickly get to model selection and Straight Joe wants to keep peace in the model world, so he keeps Carpacio/Topogigio. Jermaine and Elana go home. Heidi tells the designers that they will find their next challenge on the roof of 142 W. 31st Street. The designers sit there and wait for more information. What they get is a Teutonic MACH SCHNELL!!!

As they walk, the designers speculate. What crazy superstar will they be designing for? What crazy rooftop style? says Oompa-Loompa-Licious. (Hint to RJ, you don’t have to type his name every time, just do a copy and paste. That’s what I do.) Korto thinks that maybe they are going to Mariah’s penthouse. On West 31st? What crack are you smokin’, woman? The building turns out to be a parking garage, and this leads the designers to think that they are going to a party. I know that’s what I think every time I walk into a parking garage. I think PAR-TAY!!!! Or not. I’m just sayin’. The big-ass industrial elevator scares them all. What a fucking bunch of panty waists this group is. God. You know who wouldn’t have been scared by an elevator? My dearest, darling friend Paulie of the House of Gallofornia, that’s who. And no, I’m not letting it go.

Up on the roof is a line of Saturn hybrids, Tim Gunn and Chris Webb, who is introduced as the lead color designer for Saturn. They plug the Vue and tell us that 85% of the materials used in manufacturing the vehicle are recyclable, and since the designers all sucked using unconventional materials from Gristede’s in the first challenge, they are getting a do-over this week, using the raw materials from Saturn. They have 4 minutes and a push cart to do their best to strip the materials they can use from the cars. And as interesting as it would have been to give them crowbars and torches, all they have to do is open the cars and piles of raw material falls out. They scramble, except for Stella, who monotones nasally that it is embarrassing to rush around, and she isn’t moving. She is also less than inspired by ALL THE FUCKING PILES OF LEATHER. God. The woman is just never satisfied. All she wants to work in is leather, so when she gets it, she complains.

Terri is having a panic attack, and Kenley is bitching that these are things you make cars from, not clothes. No, I don’t know what her point was. Oompa-Loompa-Licious is snatching up seat belts. Straight Joe reminds us that he is from the Motor City and that he is straight, and that he has immunity and therefore, he is loving this challenge.

Jerell has taken a pile of dashboard decals, the cutouts that detail the intrument panels. Baroo? Suede uses the “word” whackadoodle, but does not refer to himself in the third person. It’s still not helping with his curb appeal, if you know what I mean. Leanne admits that she is clueless.

Back at Parsons, Tim tells the designers that they have till midnight and the winner will get immunity. Tim reminds them that the key to winning this challenge will be innovation. He exhorts them to have fun. Korto is clueless. Straight Joe is still into it, and has a carburetor. That’s … interesting. Keith continues to bitch and moan about how the judges have no appreciation of his fabulous designs and that he’s getting tired of sending out this magnificent work only to have the judges ignore him. Keith considers himself to be a pretty special snowflake, doesn’t he?

Suede goes back to referring to himself in the third person AND uses “whackadoodle” AGAIN. Shut. The. Fuck. Up. Suede. Stella pouts and decides that using leather would be too predictable for her, so rather than do something fabulous and amazing and true to her vision and skill set, she decides to make something “pretty”. Judging by how she dresses herself and how she works her hair and makeup, I’m guessing that Stella and I would have very different definitions of pretty. We’ll see. Suede talks about some more dead relatives. Getting as old as the use of whackadoodle, there, sport.

Keith has stopped whining long enough to design a pencil skirt, although I would debate whether design is the right word when speaking of a straight skirt. I mean, it’s a straight skirt. And tight. That’s sort of the definition of a pencil skirt. There is nothing to design. Cut a pattern for, drape, maybe. Design? Not so much.

Korto is weaving the seatbelts into a heavy fabric, and she is going for an everyday coat. Kenley is sneering at the other designers who are using seatbelts. She claims that she is being innovative because she’s using a magic marker to draw a zebra pattern on the air-filters that she’s using to make a peplum. Didn’t Kelli do that with bleach and coffee stains on the vacuum cleaner bags in the first challenge? Oh. Sorry. Persistence of memory is a bitch. Sort of like Kenley.

The industrial sewing machines in the Parson’s workroom are having a hard time on the truly industrial materials, and tension is going off, threads and needles are breaking. Oompa-Loompa-Licious decides to sew by hand. He’s making a princess line dress out of the seatbelts. It actually looks like a dress. And it actually looks sort of nice. Huh? Does Oompa-Loompa-Licious actually have some design chops?

Jerell says that the other designers are having problems, but he’s just whistlin’ Dixie. I’ll let RJ speak to that issue.

Stella has ripped open a headrest cover and is calling it a helmet. She says she’s going to use it on her model for the runway. She says it looks like Planet of the Apes. She sticks it on Oompa-Loompa-Licious’ head, and he does a pretty good Darth Vader “LUKE, I’m your father.” Despite myself, I find him cute and funny at that moment. The Number Three Surrogate Daughter and the RLA both rush to slap me back to consciousness.

Tim comes in with the models for fitting, and tells Kenley that her model, Shannone, had to drop out, and that she’s being replaced by Germaine. Kenley pitches a fit, and whines at a level that would do Keith proud. Kenley claims that Shannone bailed on her and Jerell (it’s off camera, but I think it was Jerell) says that Shannone probably got a real job that paid real money, and that it is hard to be a model in New York. Kenley sympathizes with that and says she was sorry for being such a self-involved bitch. Actually, she doesn’t. She says that this is all about her and she has a right to be pissed if she wants to be.

Tim does his turn around the workroom. Oompa-Loompa-Licious says “Hi, Timlicious” and Tim looks like he has a toothache. He is as surprised at what Oompa-Loompa-Licious is working on as we are. Jerell has taken the car seat leather, but turned it inside out so that he’s working with the rough, suede side. He’s using the decals and lining them with black leather. It’s sharp.

Korto has made a swing coat. Tim tells her not to loose the 60’s mod sophistication. Leanne’s is well-executed and has a very daring silhouette. She has taken bits of either seat belt, or fabric seat cover, made tiny swatches and frayed the edges to create an eyelash fringe. It’s pretty amazing (ahem, KEITH). Speaking of whom, Tim visits him next and is bored senseless by Keith’s whining and blahblahblah, clean look. Tim escapes the workroom with a final word of advice: “Don’t lose your trajectory.”

Terri interviews that Korto’s sleeves are awful and that Korto’s work is awful and that it looks like some horror movie or another and cracks herself up to the point that she’s rolling around on the ground. Jerell says that “Terri’s got two faces and four patterns. Don’t trust the bitch.” Well said, Jerell. And, sting. In the sewing room, Keith is being a pissy little bitch to all and sundry, enough so that the other designers opine about his ability to handle stress. And it’s night. Cut to the Atlas/Gotham, where ever the hell they live these days.

Stella is talking to her boyfriend Ratbones. Rat. Bones. Yeah, I know. I can’t. I’m just gonna let that one lie where Jesus flung it.

Morning of the show, and Korto says that if she’s called in the bottom three, then it is on. She is not going without a fight. But with whom would she fight? Would she pull off Terri’s rat weave? Would she kick Heidi in the knee? Slap the orange right off of Michael Kors? Have a throw down with NinaGarcia? This could be fun, except that I like Korto and don’t want her gone, just yet.
Tim comes to the work room and tells the designers to work like there’s no tomorrow, because you know, for one of you there won’t be. Nice. I think that Tim’s over this group, too. Keith’s got some major fitting issues with his model and tells her not to sit down. Then she heads off to hair and make up. And comes back with ten minutes to show time. She has, in fact, had to sit for the stylists, and Keith just unravels. I ask her to do one simple thing, he shrieks, and she can’t even do that. Well, you know, if you are 6 feet tall, it is a little difficult for someone to do your hair if you are standing up. Think about it, do-rag boy. Stella is back in her Dr. Suess on bad acid leggings. Please make them go away. 

The Bravo poll is who would you rather hop in the back seat with: Oompa-Loompa-Licious or Kenley or all of the designers. The consensus in the Casita de Zapattos is that there should be a none of the above, or death option. The smug, naked bitch is still naked and advertising BlueFly. Come on, buy something already, skank.

On the runway, Heidi is wearing a short, shiny and tight little dress by Rami of the Heavenly Arms. We have two guest judges today. Sitting in for NinaGarcia is my old favorite Laura Bennett, who is still fabulous, and who was robbed. That grey and chartreuse gown still needs to be hanging in my closet. Our other guest judge is Hollywood stylist to the stars Rachel Zoe, the woman who single-handedly made most startlets orange and carry a handbag larger than Tom Cruise.

Jerell’s look starts the show, and the hair and makeup folks have taken his futuristic look and run with it. She looks amazing, and the cutouts and decals and suede have combined into a nice little dress, very modern and wearable.

Keith’s halter top and pencil skirt don’t even deserve this many pixels. Terri has made…wait for it…. tight pants! (that would be pattern number 1, eh, Jerell). Kenley’s design is a black leather halter top with an air filter peplum over a pencil skirt. Leanne has made a bubble skirt? A skirt with hip bustles? A very daring and exaggerated shape, and a tight bustiere with that seatbelt fringe along the sweetheart neckline. HOTT!

Suede has made a bustiere from the floor mats, and a short, silver fringed skirt from the sun shields. It actually looks like something Keith would have made, if Keith could make an actual fringe as opposed to swatches. Korto’s coat looks amazing. I don’t know how much steam she used to make it flexible, but it looks like a million dollars walking down the catwalk. Oompa-Loompa-Licious’ dress fits like crap, which is unfortunate, because for the first time in this competition I can actually see what he was attempting. He’s shattered a rear-view mirror to make spangles, which he’s applied to the neckline. The princess seaming could have been attractive and stylish, but it doesn’t fit the model, and as she moves, the gaps and fitting issues move with her, now gaping in the arm pit, now bunching at the breast. Straight Joe has produced a sort of motocross dress and done some color blocking. He’s the only one to have found red leather, and he’s used the part that says “VUE” as a sort of breastplate. It’s a very clean, very automotive look, and I can absolutely see this at an auto show, on the salesgirls as they stand on a revolving platform pitching the new model year offerings. I was right. Stella and I do not have the same idea as to what constitutes pretty. She’s made a mummy wrap/pencil skirt and topped it with one of her usual racer-back leather vests. Ho-fucking-hum.

Terri, Suede, Straight Joe and Kenley leave the runway, safe for another week. Oompa-Loompa-Licious, Jerell, Keith, Korto and Leanne wait for the axe to fall on one of their dreams.

Jerell’s futuristic look with the resin molding is hailed by Rachel Zoe for his tailoring, and his styling is loved by Michael. Heidi thinks it’s wearable.

Oompa-Loompa-Licious is called out for his fit by Laura (who would know about fit and evening gowns). Michale hates the carwash hem, and Rachel says the whole thing is the wrong length.

Korto is lucky that Rachel, Laura and Heidi don’t rush the stage and engage in a little hair-pulling over who gets to take the coat home. They all want it. Even Michael says that it has great, restrained drama. And it does. And not to be a nay-sayer here, but it also has the same damn, oversized silhouette that she always shows. Which is nice the first four or five times you see it, but is starting to get stale.

Leanne has the judges in fits over her innovative and risky look. Words like “chic” “interesting” “FAB-ulous” “well-crafted” and “beautiful” are tossed at her like confetti. Remember Thing 2 or Thing 1 who used to say that she was all Holly Golightly meets Salvador Dali? and who was as boring as dry dust? Yeah. Bitch. THIS is what goes with that description, not the crap you were putting out.

And then there’s Maude Keith. He starts by saying that he didn’t want it to look like car parts. Rachel notices that there is a big hole in the back of the skirt. Was it intentional or bad sewing? Laura says that there doesn’t seem to be a concept anywhere. Keith says “You should have seen my other designs.” Laura gapes, smiles politely, if somewhat frozenly, and says “Excuse me?” Keith takes the opportunity to rage against the machine. He’s been sending amazing work down the runway, and nobody has appreciated it. His model sat down. Michael Kors is a mean old meany. “There’s criticism and then there’s insult,” Keith grouses, “and last week I was told my dress looked like a chicken.” Michael tells him to put on his big-boy panties and sack up, ho.

The poll results are back and a full 37% of voters want to hop in the back seat with all of the designers. Presumably because they can stuff them into the trunk if they fold down the seat? The judges deliberate and Heidi, Rachel and Laura do a quick rock, paper, scissors to determine who gets Korto’s trench coat. Then the producers tell them that it’s the property of the show and to get on with the voting, already.

Jerell is in. Korto is in. Oompa-Loompa-Licious is in. Leanne is the winner. Pretty good for the drab little girl who said she was clueless as she looked at her materials. This leaves Stella and Keith in the bottom two. Stella’s look was boring, too simple and disconnected. Keith had a chance to be innovative, but he was boring. And he blamed the model and the judges for his failure. And he was a pissy little bitch. Keith is sent back to Salt Lake City. Keith cries like a baby and says that his biggest disappointment (other than going back to SLC) is that he’s being sent home for something that wasn’t even his vision. Really? Did SATAN put it in your head? Did SATAN make you sew that crap? No? Then I guess it was yours. Own it, you big baby. And p.s., loose the bandana head bands. Really. You’ll thank me one day.

Next week, legendary designer Diane Von Furstenberg, the woman who invented the wrap dress, comes to torture the designers. It could be fun. Or it could be as exciting as a freaking wrap dress.

Back in the dawn of time, when I was a little shoe, my friends and I always made a point of celebrating the occasion. This year, it was with no small amount of symbolism that Hillary gave her convention speech. Not the one she wanted to give, which would have be the nominee’s acceptance oration, but a speech nonetheless, and nonetheless historic. This was the year that the first viable female candidate for President of the United States almost made it to the general election. It only took 88 years, but hey, at least it was less than a century. Let’s give it up for Hillary.

Item the Second

For some reason, RJ decided to hit me with a meme. Thanks, bitch. I feel obligated to do this, since I never return the chain letters of love she sends me.

Instructions: What you are supposed to do...and please don’t spoil the fun...Copy/paste, type in your answers and tag four people in your lists! Don’t forget to change my answers to the questions with that of your own.

(A) Four places I go over and over: Newport, RI; Sarasota; New York City and Disney World (go ahead. mock me)

(B) Four people who e-mail me regularly: RJ, Star, Elise, CousinSteve

(C) Four of my favorite places to eat? Gil Capa’s Bistro; Les Halles; The Crab & Fin; Fox’s

(D) Four places you’d rather be? Sarasota, New York, Tahiti, home on the couch

(E) Four TV shows I could watch over and over: Firefly; Star Trek (oh, wait… I DO); Deadwood; The Avengers

(F) Four people I think will respond: Actually, I don’t think anyone will. So, you guys? Just stick a link in the comments if you decide to play.

But Wait, There’s More

As if RJ’s meme wasnt’ enough, Mean Louise tagged me the next day with another one. So here goes nothing:

Here are the rules:

1. Link to the person who tagged you (see above).

2. Post the rules on your blog (this is what you are now reading).

3. Write 6 random things about yourself (see below).

4. Tag 6 people at the end of your post and link to them (This is only a game)

5. Let each person know they have been tagged and leave a comment on their blog

6. Let the tagger know when your entry is up

Six Things About Me

1. I have a tattoo of a Siamese Cat on my shoulder in an homage to Bob Dylan

2. I worked as a figure model in a life drawing class at the Woodstock School of Art

3. I eat chicken feet at dim sum restaurants just to get street cred with the steam cart pushers. It works.

4. I almost got crushed at a Bad Company concert at Madison Square Garden when a fight broke out in the front row

5. I still want a horse, dammit

6. If I could live in any other time and place, it would be in Belle Epoque Paris, and who’s to say I won’t in my next life

You’re it! RJ, Elise, Elise, Shan, Gigi and Bee

On the Parson’s runway, Heidi hold the velvet button bag. The back-lit silhouette is immense, with a set of Texas longhorns coming out of the cone-shaped head. Suede sums it up with a succinct “What the FUCK?” All is revealed as a great cackling laugh precedes the person of Chris March, dressed in full Brunhilde drag. He’s wearing disco balls for boobs, and a helmet with the above mentioned horns. He’s as fabulous as ever, and he and Heidi attempt to hug, but are foiled by the disco tits.

Quick shot of Terri proclaiming that this is the challenge she’s been waiting for, as she loves herself some drag queens. Korto, on the other hand, is overwhelmed by the visual stimuli of same. And, yes, that is the challenge this week: to design a stage costume for a drag queen. Oh, but not just any old random, off-the-street drag queens, but the Queens of the NYC drag scene: Farrah Moans, Miss Understood, Sweetie, Luisa Verde, Hedda Lettuce, Sharon Needles, Le May, Annida Greenkard, Sherry Vine, Acid Betty and Varla Jean Merman.

As the winner of the previous challenge, Keith gets to choose first, and he goes with Sherry Vine, who describes herself as NY’s Hollywood Starlet. In quick procession the designers choose their muses: Daniel2.0/Annida Greenkard, because she’s dressed in a flamenco dress; Oompa-Loompa-Licious opts for Miss Understood, who is dressed in neon colors and besides, really, it’s just pretty obvious isn’t it?; Jerell/LeMay (because she isn’t into costume); Straight Joe/Varla Jean Merman who describes her style as classic Ann Margaret drunk on glamour; Korto/Sweetie, because she likes sugar; Suede says that Suede has a head of ocean, and therefore needs Hedda Lettuce; Leanne steals Stella’s most likely choice, Sharon Needles; Kenley scoops up Farrah Moans; Terri goes for the seven-foot tall Acid Betty and Stella is left with Luisa Verde.

Chris and Heidi leave the stage arm in arm, engaged in some painful banter about going out for German food, which Heidi suggests would be beer and pretzels. Tim reminds the designers that designing for a drag queen means theatrical and over the top. No color too gaudy, no amount of sequins too many, no way to be too costumey. Do they listen? Not so much. They will get a budget of $200 and two days to work. All of the finished items will be auctioned off to Broadway Cares-Equity Fights AIDS. The designers and drag queens get half an hour to brainstorm their creations, incorporating the DQ’s personas and the designers’ styles. Then it’s off to Mood, where we see feathers and sequins and sparkly stuff. Straight Joe admits that this is way out of his league, but he’ll just imagine himself designing Halloween costumes for his daughters. Lord, I hope he doesn’t send those little girls out looking like drag queens. They’re just little girls, for heaven’s sake.

Daniel2.0 claims that he’s going to make a Glamazon Flamenco Dancer/Couture ensemble. I hear the first tolling of the iron death bell. Stella drones nasally about Luisa wants to be a lady, but she, Stella, prefers slick. Kenley is delighted with Farrah Moan, and is planning an Old Hollywood va-va-voom. Tim comes in to remind the designers that they really need to showboat this challenge, because, you know, hello? DRAG QUEENS?! And the winner gets immunity, which leads to Keith pissing and moaning about how he won the last challenge and is very not happy that he didn’t win immunity. Is it just me, or is Keith turning into a whiney little bitch who thinks he’s Miss Thing and All That and totally entitled?

Joe’s DQ has left behind her bra and boobs and there is much hilarity as everyone plays with them and they discuss the challenge of turning a large male mannequin into an even larger female dress form. Korto complains about how this challenge is out of her comfort zone. Honey? We don’t care. That’s sort of the whole point of this whole damn show, isn’t it? Terri describes her 80s look of leggings and a kimono for Acid Betty. Oompa-Loompa-Licious is wandering around with pink stuff tied over his head like a neon scarecrow (maybe he’s hoping the color will run and replenish his tan) and licious this and licious that-ing about every one and every thing. We are treated to a montage of all the other designers being sick and tired of Oompa-Loompa-Licious and his liciousness. Stella calls him cute, but all he knows is Licious, what ever that is. Leanne says that if she has to hear it one more time, she’ll barf, or maybe that would be barf-licious. Good one, Leanne.

And we’re at Day Two. Jerell says that walking into the work room, there is no doubt that they are designing for drag queens. (It’s a hot tranny mess up in there.)There are sequins and feathers and glitter all over. Suede tells us that he had a vision of his dead grandfather, looking over his design and telling him, “Suede, you need some seeds.” From this epiphany comes little lettuce heads, which he sews up the sides of the lime green opera-length gloves. Keith is doing something with fringes. Keith’s definition of fringes is very broad, encompassing any old shred or swatch of fabric he sticks down on a garment. He called last week’s skirt fringed, and it was scales/petals of chiffon. What ever. The other designers are as over his “fringes” and “swatches” as they are of Oompa-Loompa-Licious’ little verbal tic.

The queens come in for fittings and adjustments. They are not in drag, and none of the designers recognize these drab men as their fabulous muses. Only Hedda Lettuce keeps the persona going when out of costume. She’s fierce. Korto has made sort of a jester collar in flame colors and a huge strap-on (OH, get your minds out of the gutter, people) overskirt for Sweetie. Sweetie loves it, but I think it looks a bit like a sequined tomato on steroids. I do love the collar, though. Speaking of collars, Jerell is having issues with LeMay, who isn’t too keen on the deeply ruffled portrait collar he’s constructed. Straight Joe and Varla Jean look at the hot pink, sequined jump suit, and Varla says that it’s a little too Elvis. Maybe, she says, as she smoothes down her collar, we could make it a little more sailory? And the Miss Ann-Margret does the Love Boat look is born.

Hedda Lettuce is raggin’ on Suede, who is wearing an unfortunate pirate striped do-rag. She’s feeling a leetle Godzilla-ish she says, as she pulls on the lettuce covered gloves. And then she asks if Suede made gloves instead of sleeves cause he’s a lazy sack of shit. Suede is not happy with this line of questioning, and rightly flounces off in a huff.

With a mere six hours to go, Tim bring in Chris March to review and critique the designer’s work. Korto explains that her concept was “a woman in heat” and it certainly is. Oompa-Loompa-Licious has made something neon (again) with big, but not big enough, cone-shaped shoulder pads? wings? appendages? on the back that trail streamers. Tim tells him that it looks like a Pterodactyl from a gay Jurassic Park, and Oompa-Loompa-Licious gets all twitterpated and squeals that Tim has given him the greatest compliment, ever. Uh, no. No, he hasn’t you little orange troll, and even though you scored points with me last week, you have already lost them and dug further into my pit of contempt with your shenanigans this week.

Straight Joe has totally understood Varla’s persona and Chris and Tim are charmed. Suede tells them about how Hedda was such a bitch to him, and they tell Suede not to let her get away with that behavior. Tell her to wear it and work it, baby. And PS? That outfit is way cool, and she’d better work it for you. Keith’s pile of grey, white and black shreds is awful, and there isn’t a lot Tim or Chris can say. Daniel2.0 has made a pretty prom dress which has nothing to do with drag. Tim tells him to step up the drag and drama, and Daniel2.0 ignores him. Ask not for whom the bell tolls, Daniel2.0, it is tolling for thee. Oompa-Loompa-Licious, in an astonishing flash of insight, interviews that Daniel2.0 has made an evening gown, and a plain one at that, and not a drag queen’s costume. Jerell says something random about having to sell his dress like vacuums door to door.

The girls come in for the show, and hair and make up, which they don’t really need. Keith and Stella argue about the fringes and whether or not they need to be trimmed. Suede takes Hedda out to the tool shed and explains how he’s not happy with Hedda’s diva act, and how she needs to work this on the runway. Hedda, who is flawless, apologizes and all is sunshine and bunnies on team Suede Lettuce. Stella’s model says that she looks like Liz outa rehab, but I think she’s leaning a little toward Liza, myself. Also outa rehab. Stella, with an amazing lack of irony, claims that “these broads (referring to the drag queens) aren’t classy.” As we head into commercials, the quiz of the day is “who would you rather see in drag, Tim or Michael Kors?” The unanimous answer at Casa des Zapatos is Michael, although we suspect that he may not be a stranger to it.

Finally, we get to the runway. Heidi is in something short, shiny and tight. The guest judge is RuPaul, who is looking rode hard and put up wet. I have a dislike for RuPaul that goes back to her being vulgar and mean to Uncle Milty at the end of Berle’s life, and also to her being a bitch one year at White Party, so just maybe RuPaul isn’t aging as badly as I think. Or she is. On with the show.

Kenley’s dress is a silver, sequined column with an enormous portrait collar of black and white ostrich feathers. I think I’ve seen Carol Channing in this, wearing it with no irony whatsoever. Meh.

Oompa-Loompa-Licious’ model’s wings are drooping sadly. Oompa-Loompa-Licious says he doesn’t want the judges to think it was poorly made. It was. Varla Jean comes out in her hot pink pantsuit and works the runway and her outfit to within an inch of both their lives. She’s magnificent. Stella sends out another leatherette and plaid Vivienne Westwood homage. Ho-fucking-hum.

Hedda Lettuce does herself and Suede proud in her little green dress with the overjacket and gloves. She gives it her all, and everyone is happy. Daniel2.0’s Anneda Greenkard does her best, but it’s all hair and nothing else. Boring, boring, boring. And we never want to bore NinaGarcia. Terri’s Kabuki Samurai is AMAZING! The hair and make-up are perfect, the kimono and thigh-high boots with a red patent leather corselette/obi are fierce. The look is frightening and fabulous. The boots have been modified so that they are not identical. Acid Betty works it.

Jerell’s dress is weak, and Stella Needles isn’t feeling it. Sweetie, however, is feeling it, and she works that spangled tomato to death. She pulls off the overskirt and flashes her gams. Keith’s limp pile of “fringe” looks (HE says) like Tina Turner. Defensively, he adds, “Yeah, I used fringe again. So what? It’s totally different.” The last look is Leanne’s Jetsons-inspired mini. It’s all full of spiky folds and angles. It’s pretty damn cool.

Oompa-Loompa-Licious, Kenley, Suede, Stella and Leanne are sent away, safe for another week. Korto, Terri, Daniel2.0, Straight Joe, Keith and Jerell are the best and the worst, and stick around on the runway, waiting for the final tolling of the bell.

Terri’s design is loved to death by all. It’s Gene Simmons/Dianna Ross. Michael Kors says that he needs the boots. Told you he was a big old tranny. RuPaul loves the look.

Keith claims that his look is Sex Kitten. Heidi says it’s messy and Keith replies that rock and roll is messy. RuPaul asks “And did the dingos eat your baby? because you are all full of excuses.” Michael says that it doesn’t look like rock and roll, it looks like a “sad, molting gray chicken.” Michael Kors is brilliant. I want to go hang out and drink with him. And are the designers getting mouthier with the judges, or is it just editing? I remember rumors of Santino making NinaGarcia cry.

Jerell gets no love from the judges, either. RuPaul says that the proportions are wrong, and MK says that it looks a little bit Thoroughly Modern Millie Under The Sea, with a side of my auntie would have worn that to a bar mitzvah. Surrogate Daughter Number 3 suggests that MK is getting more Jewish every week. Korto, however, is lauded for her work with Sweetie. RuPaul loves the flattering shape. MK says that it gives Sweetie a Heidi Klum body, and he hears Victoria’s Secret calling. Sweetie squeezes the girls and sighs, oh, if ONLY they made a 44D.

Daniel2.0 is asked by NinaGarcia why, for the love of G-d did you NOT use sequins? And Daniel2.0 says that doing so would have made him vomit. I think that’s the final tolling of the bell, there, sport. The judges all howl that his work was too normal. They say “normal” like it’s a bad thing, which, when designing duds for drag queens, it totally is.

The judges deliberate, and it isn’t interesting enough to repeat. The results of the poll say that 54% of the respondents would rather see Tim Gunn in drag. The Surrogate Daughter and I agree that he could probably rock a drag Mary Poppins. Or the banker’s secretary from the Beverly Hillbillies.

Terri is in (and none to happy with coming in second). Damn, that’s a puss face. Straight Joe wins!!! As well he should. Varla sold that outfit and it fit her like a glove. She tee-hees, and oh, yous the judges and flutters her false eyelashes. Straight Joe gets immunity for next week. He goes to the back and sits next to Terri, who glares daggers at him, and you know that she just wants to cut a bitch. Korto and Jerell are in. Daniel2.0 and Keith are on the bottom. Daniel2.0 is taken to task for not listening, and not delivering anything but excuses. Keith is told his work is random, unpolished and getting old. Keith is left in to bore Nina another week, and Daniel2.0 and his impeccable taste get to pack up their pins and needles and go home. Good-bye, Danny boy. You were never as interesting as Daniel Franco, anyway.

Next week, the designers work with auto parts or something and Laura Bennett is our guest judge. Whee!

I mean, OK, you want more power, so you turn your coat and become an “Independent” and no longer a Democrat, although you caucus with the Dems. OK, whatever, you nasty little chickenhawk, you want to support the meaningless war in the Middle East because you think it would be good for the Jews, although G-d only knows how. But to go out and campaign for John McCain? AND speak against Barack Obama? Oh, get over yourself, you terrible little man. Just declare yourself a Republican already. Oh, that’s right. You won your election as a Democrat, so changing parties after the fact is a little disingenuous. Still, it didn’t stop you from going to the indefinable middle, did it? Nor is it stopping you from giving a speech at the Republican convention, or even keeping you from being considered on the short list for John McCain’s running mate.

And you know what? Although my grandmother would be very unhappy with this, I say, go for it. Because in the long run, you on the ticket with McCain would be very,very good for the Jews. In that all those in-bred, racist fucks who don’t want to vote for someone who’s half-black will just have to kill themselves before they’d ever let a Kike be a heartbeat away from the presidency. Yep. You just get on that ticket and run, run, run, you little khazer. You sit out campaigning on the sabbath and push your Jewishness in all those white bread faces who are scared of anything different. Nothing you do could do more to help the Democratic candidate. And a Democrat in the White House, especially this Democrat, would really be good for the Jews.

At some point today or tomorrow, I’ll be posting pics. Not of the workroom, of course, because pictures of my work space in the messy stage is enough to make the sweet baby Jesus drink gin from the cat dish.

We have also (speaking in the imperial plural, which, while annoying and affected, isn’t as bad as using the third person) chosen a name for our little yellow Smartie. Thanks and props to Gigi who came up with it. Here’s a visual:

plus

equals: Tweety McPeeps! I tried to give it another name, but every time I thought about Tweety McPeeps, it just made me laugh. So, Tweety McPeeps it is.

And lastly, please click on my widdle dragons and help them grow up.

Korto opens the show reliving the glorious moment when she won immunity for this challenge. Daniel2.0 follows by reliving the not so glorious moment when he found himself in the bottom two, again. He vows that, as God is his witness, he’ll never go hungry again. Or end up in the bottom two. Way to curse yourself, dude. Don’t any of you people on reality shows actually watch reality shows? It’s called HUBRIS, and it goeth before a fall. Or an auffing. I’m just saying.

Model selection whizzes by as Korto foolishly keeps her model, and doesn’t steal Shannone. The week’s challenge will be to design an outfit for a glamorous, chic, high-powered professional woman. Stella assumes that would be Sharon Osborne. Sigh. But no, it is Brooke Shields, and they won’t be designing for her so much as for the character she plays on some Sex and the City knock-off that she’s in, Lipstick Jungle. Brooke is described as a fashion icon, author, model and actress. To me, though, she’ll always be the one who fought Tom Cruise over meds for post-partum depression… and won. To Suede, she is still the face/body of Calvin Klein jeans, and he loves her for that. I love the fact that Suede seems to have dropped the use of the third person. Brooke’s character is described as a Studio Executive, married to a musician and living a Bohemian lifestyle. Puh-leeze. Can you throw one more dramedy archetype in there? The ensemble should work as a day-into-night, office to cocktails look.

Oompa-Loompa-Licious says that he has friends who are exactly that, and he is “stoked” to be doing this challenge. Oompa-Loompa-Licious says that he has this one in the bag. (See HUBRIS, above) The designers are given half an hour to sketch, after which they will present their designs to Brooke. She will choose six team leaders, and they will pair up with the remaining designers to create the looks.

Jerell says that he really needs to listen to the challenge this week. And the sky is blue, and lemons are tart, and grass is green. Keith says some bullshit about a convertible sleeve. Kelli wants to design with an animal print because the show is Lipstick JUNGLE. Get it? Jungle? Animal prints? Knock, knock. Who’s there? Ms. Obivous. Daniel2.0 is shown sketching and he can really draw. Not only is the design nice, but it actually looks like Brooke. Kiss of death, there, dude.

They present to Brooke in sequence: Suede is told to modernize his look. Kenley is selling a boat neck, and Brooke seems to like it. Terri is showing (another) pantsuit and Brooke loves the pants. Oompa-Loompa-Licious has a Bermuda short ensemble which is questionable, sort of like Oompa-Loompa-Licious. Daniel presents something and Keith presents something, and my notes say that Brooke likes the combination of textures in Daniel2.0’s work, but she may really have said that about Keith. Stella, in another quantum leap away from her usual crap, offers up a leather “cor-SET” (yes, she put the accent on the second syllable). Straight Joe goes by so fast that I can’t take a note. Korto has a palette of orange and lime green and Brooke says that’s perfect. Leanne offers up something that is comfy, yet impeccable? And Jerell shows khaki.

Before Brooke announces her team leaders, but not before they’ve seen sketches, she tells the designers that the winning look will be worn by her on the show next season. Since this is such a huge prize, there will be no immunity.

Terri, who refuses to play to her urban, inner-city stereotype, says “Oh, GURL, you don’t know what you just did.”

Keith is called first, and he gloats about it in an interview. I was FIRSTEST!!!! Then Korto, chosen for the ethnicity angle she spoke to Brooke about and which we didn’t see. Jerell, whose look was young and leggy, and Brooke’s got gams. Kelli is picked, but told to watch the use of the jungle print, that it shouldn’t be too obvious. Terri’s pants are perfect, and she was the only designer to feature pants. The last team leader is…. Oompa-Loompa-Licious. I know. We all groaned. Brooke says that she took a chance with Oompa-Loompa-Licious, and that she wants to see if he can be different without being too shockingly different. (She didn’t notice that he’s an orange little troll?)

To chose their partners, the six team leaders’ names are drawn at random from the velvet button bag. Oompa-Loompa-Licious is drawn first and takes for his partner Leanne. Keith takes Kenley, whom he says is too bossy and opinionated, but that if he can get her to shut up, she can sew. Terri picks Suede. Korto takes Straight Joe and Kelli, with some sadness, opts for Daniel2.0. She says that she loves Stella, but that Stella just couldn’t make what she, Kelli, is going for. Which leaves Stella to team up with Jerell. Jerell shows the most class of any of the designers this season when he says that he wanted Stella anyway, because he wants to use leather and he needs her skill set.

There’s a midnight deadline and a budget of $150 per team. Off to Mood, where Keith and Kenley are getting into it immediately over fabric choices. Kenley has glommed on to some nasty little floral print, and won’t let go. Tim comes over to see what the fuss is, and tells them to keep looking.

Daniel2.0 and Kelli are not happy with each other’s choices, either. Kelli is looking at turquoise/jade green with black lace over it and it looks like ass. When Daniel2.0 tries to tell her that, she shuts him up and he goes back to looking like a sad little puppy.

In the workroom, Jerell and Stella agree that they can both knock out a skirt in no time, and Jerell leaves that to Stella. Kenley is whining about Keith’s design and that she doesn’t like it. Kelli is unhappy with Daniel2.0’s sewing skills and is riding him like a wild stallion.

Suede and Terri are also having issues. Apparently Suede measures everything first and Terri just cuts. Suede has draped the top and there doesn’t seem to be enough fabric to make the skirt. Suede is not happy with Terri’s management skills. Terri is not happy with Suede. Terri says, and I quote “I don’t know what he’s packin’ there, ball or a va-jayjay, but he’s gotta man up.” Well, alrighty, then. Way to play against type, GURL.

Oompa-Loompa-Licious claims that he’s crazy because both his parents were crazy, then they got divorced and married another set of crazy people. Crazy is in the blood. There’s therapy for that, Oomps.

Keith tells Kenley to redo something. Jerell is confident and Stella is hammering away at some chartreuse leatha. Tim arrives to give the designers a happy surprise: extra time to fit the models. Is this because we’ve seen that there are fitting issues ever frelling week this season, or just to be nice? Daniel2.0 and Kelli are still having problems and issues with D2.0’s sewing skills. The skirt he’s made is described as being half ruched, half not, the skirt itself is crooked and the zipper isn’t set right. It’s awful. Kelli is demanding that Daniel do it over. Daniel interviews passive-aggressively that yeah, the skirt is awful, but it’s also Kelli’s design and he doesn’t much care that it sucks. I feel you, Dannytwopointoh.

Terri and Suede are nose to nose, too. Terri keeps saying that the shirt Suede made is “all jacked up; that everything Suede touches is NOT gold.” Terri is ready to throw Suede under the bus, and the sooner the better. I am a little shocked to say that my sympathies are lying with Suede on this. Tim comes into this drama to check on the designers, and heads over to Oompa-Loompa-Liciousville, where the khaki Bermuda shorts are taking shape. He tells Oompa-Loompa-Licious that this is not going to work for evening, and it might even be a little too casual for business day. Oompa-Loompa-Licious tries to get Tim to say “holla atcha boy”, but Tim merely grimaces stiffly in a death-like rictus of a smile, and beats it out of the area.

Jerell and Stella have truly collaborated and the colors and shapes are terrific. The chartreuse waist cincher is paired with a not-too-obvious leopard print flowy skirt and a sort of forgettable top. To Kelli and Daniel2.0, Tim says that he’s dubious about the look. Well, the look is dubious, so that’s an appropriate response. As he comes to Suede and Terri (still looking daggers at each other) Tim asks why they are concerned with their piece. Terri asks for a reality check about the top that she thinks is so jacked. Tim loves it, so stick a sock in it, Terri. Keith and Kenley are showing a really nice skirt/blouse thing, so Tim rubs Kenley’s nose in her choice of that tacky fabric that she insisted they buy. She has to admit that she was wrong. It’s sweet. For us, the audience and Keith, but not so much for Kenley.

Korto and Joe have an orange dupioni silk tunic on their mannequin. It’s very over sized (kind of like everything else Korto does). Tim isn’t happy and Straight Joe agrees that it looks like a giant sweet potato. This sends Korto over the edge, and she and Straight Joe have to have a time out in the lounge to discuss why he didn’t tell her it sucked before Tim got there. She says that she wouldn’t let him walk into a bus, and that he should have defended his point of view.

Oompa-Loompa-Licious rubs his little orange hands together in glee and chortles over how awesome it’s going to be when he sees his look on the Lipstick Jungle… I’m going to win, my precious, he says.

Kelli and Daniel2.0 make a new skirt and the girls all get together and have a good laugh over the fact that they think that Daniel2.0 wouldn’t know high-end glamour if it sat on his lap and called him daddy. Then Jerell trashes Terri while wearing a stupid, twee and obnoxiously bright green (and too small, sitting on the side of his head) hat. Tim comes in and tells the designers to “appropriately” borrow from the BlueFly accessory rack. Hmmm, do you think somebody noticed how badly the designers are styling the models this year? They are styling themselves badly, too. Oompa-Loompa-Licious appears to be wearing a micro-vest. Leanne has on a huge, folded, pleated, asymmetrical collar that is attached to another mini-bolero thing. Jerell is wearing a white dress over his pants. Stella has on the jacket that matches her Dr. Suess on bad acid stripey leggings, but thankfully not the leggings. All in all, this is a motley crew.

On the runway, the models are not faring a whole lot better. Korto’s tunic has been belted and looks smart. Then the model takes off the tunic and there is a flesh-colored, strapless column dress with a wonky cut out in the back. It doesn’t fit. Anywhere. Kelli and Daniel2.0s ensemble is cut too short on the bustierre thing, so that there is belly showing between the top and the top of the plain skirt. It’s just awful on so many levels, especially the tacky leopard print with the tiny bra-cups of teal. Ick.

Jerell and Stella’s outfit is amazing. The skirt flows, the proportions are great, and the colors and patterns all work. They have put a zebra skin belt over the chartreuse waist-cincher, and it needs to come live in my closet. I know. I can’t believe it, either. Terri and Suede’s model looks like a giant inverted triangle. She’s wearing skin-tight pants, and a flow-y top with a super-wide, ruffled boat neck, and falls to a belted waist. It is reminiscent of the thing she did that won, except it doesn’t fit as well. Oompa-Loompa-Licious’ has made very low rise Bermudas, paired with a jersey top with some strappiness going on at the shoulder/neck/sleeve and a teal Forever 21 cotton top over it.

The teams of Jerell/Stella, Kelli/Daniel2.0, Keith/Kenley and Oompa-Loompa-Licious/Leanne are asked to stay, as they represent the best and the worst. The other designers (who?) are sent away, safe. For now. Brooke tells Jerell that his combination of textures and patterns is perfect. Michel Kors agrees that the silhouette is flirty, sexy and NOT cheap. Heidi loves it. I love it. The Surrogate daughters love it. The RLA loves it. Safe to say that it won’t win.

Brooke is horrified by Kelli’s design. “The shape is the truly unfortunate part,” she says. “It’s cheaper than I thought it would look.” And MK delivers a “slutty, slutty, slutty.” Heidi asks Kelli who should be auffed, should her team lose. Daniel.20, says Kelli without skipping a beat. Daniel2.0 is miffed, and says that he has impeccable, high-end taste, thankyouverymuch, and Kenley about pisses herself laughing out loud at him. What’s so funny,? asks Daniel2.0 with wounded dignity.

Oompa-Loompa-Licious is told that it was a leap of faith to make him the team leader, but that she, Brooke, liked how inspired he was, and how willing to take a chance. But this look is not appropriate for her character. Leanne is asked how she could have let Oompa-Loompa-Licious go so far wrong. Heidi says that the model looks like a woman who got dressed in the dark with no mirror. Schnort. And then, a miracle happens. Heidi asks the who should go question to Blayne, and he says that as a matter of integrity, he should, because he was the team leader. Well played, Oompa-Loompa-Licious.

The judges deliberate a little more, and agree that Jerell and Stella’s work was impeccable (the word of the night) and that they did a terrific job working together. Keith and Kenley made something inspired and sophisticated and completely appropriate for the show and the character. On the other hand, Daniel2.0 and Kelli did what Kelli liked. NinaGarcia is doubtful about either of them having taste. She points out that Daniel has yet to display the wonderful taste he keeps talking about. Of Oompa-Loompa-Licious, the consensus is that he’s a bratty little snot who didn’t listen, and that Leanne has lost her confidence. (And her mind, if you look at that neck warmer.)

Brooke announces Keith/Kenley the winners. Stella and Jerell come in second. Leanne and Daniel2.0 are safe. Oompa-Loompa-Licious is given a stern talking to and left in, and Kelli is sent home, but not before she delivers a sort of snotty exit interview.

Next week is the return of Chris March and the challenge to end all challenges: Dress a Drag Queen. Need I mention that my darling, dearest Paulie of the House of Gallofornia would win that with one hand tied behind his back and the other eating pie? I didn’t think so.

Nope. What brought the chill to my very soul was the fact that none of the precision drills were done by computer. The drums, the marching, the amazing, amazing, amazing kaleidoscopic silk boxes that moved and changed in time to the music, they were all operated by individual living men (I didn’t see any women, but everybody was dressed the same and had the same haircuts, so maybe there were women in the silk boxes or banging the drums). Each act took 2008 people, and nobody worked twice. The talking heads made reference to the artistic director just shrugging off the question, and saying, “we have plenty of people”. Don’t get me wrong, I am not chilled by the sheer numbers. I am chilled by the sheer numbers working in unison with a hive mind. Yeah, this was all friendship and doves and we be one world, mon, but holy shit. If that hive mind turned to military ambition, the rest of the world could just start learning Mandarin.

The RLA didn’t see it. But that whole exercise chilled me and scared me and made me think that maybe this was a message to the globe. And then I had another revelation. With the one-child policy in force for the last thirty years or so, there aren’t any cousins. No extended families. The basic framework of China, the family and the ancestors, has been stripped away. There are no cousins. There cannot be. There are only single family units, and any devotion to anything larger has to be a devotion to the state, and there we are, back at the hive mind. The collective. The Borg. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.

My girl cousin admitted to a frisson of fear when the small military display goose-stepped across the field. But that was a function of the goose-step, I think, and not the implied military force. Anyway, I continue to watch, and I continue to marvel at the athletes. But when did beach volleyball become an Olympic sport? And why isn’t the Equestrian competition on a mainstream network? It’s on Oxygen, which, if I recall correctly, is pitched to women. Is it the old stereotype about girls and horses? Because in our house, it’s the RLA who’s been trying to watch the dressage and cross country.

I encourage him, of course, because I luv horsies.

We trot off to Parsons for model selection and Kenley is smart enough to keep her model, Shannone, who is, hands down, the best thing on the show this season, model or designer. Heidi is wearing a wonderful, sheer grey blouse with a cascade of ruffles down the center front. I wonder if it’s one of Christian’s pieces.

The designers are sent away quickly, for yet another field trip with Tim. Joe (who is straight and has 2 daughters, remember) is whining about not knowing their destination. Tim is querying Oompa-loompa-licious about the tanning habit. Oompa-loompa-licious says that where other (more normal) people go to the gym every other day, he goes to the tanning salon. Tim points out that this is a huge time commitment. Oompa-looompa-licious is completely blasé about the whole thing, and whines a little about missing his tanning booth.

DESTINATION MOON
Or, to be more accurate, the Armory Track and Field Center, decorated with Project Runway and 2008 Olympics banners. Suede (who thankfully, does not refer to himself in the third person a single time this week, but who, unfortunately reveals other, equally annoying verbal tics) says “Oh. My. God. It’s GI-NORMOUS!!!” (pronounced with a jay and a hard i, like giant)

The designers enter the cavernous space and see a lonely speed skater whipping around the roller derby track on blade skates. He pulls up in front of them and reveals himself to be Apolo Ohno, gold medalist in the ’04 Olympics and winner of Dancing With The Stars. Apolo is as big a reality tee-vee star as he is an Olympian, and I long for the days when athletes were “just” athletes. He’s a wee little fellow, and cute as a bug’s ear. Terri interviews that the boy is HOTT and that “he sold it.” To which I can only add, no shit and duh. Apolo Ohno will also be their guest judge.

The challenge this week is create a look (women’s wear only) for the opening ceremonies where the teams walk onto the field, representing their countries. It is always a fashion show, and one of the more colorful and entertaining parts of the meet. Tim reminds the designers that their design should represent America, and that in real life, it’s a big deal. This year Ralph Lauren has designed the Americans ensembles, and in the past names like Giorgio Armani have designed for their home countries.

Daniel2.0 reveals that he has never watched the opening ceremonies of any Olympics. Oh, great.  The budget this week is $150, and they have until midnight. There is an Olypmics museum at the Armory (who knew) and the designers get to wander around for an hour or two, all by themselves, to find inspiration from the past.

In interviews, Oompa-loompa-licious says that this is “HUMUNGOUS!!!  (which should not be confused with another word for Blayne: homunculus. Joe, who is straight and has two daughters, cackles madly that this is his challenge to win or lose, as he always watches the Olympics and he’s a sportswear designer and he’s straight.

As they go through the museum, and while shopping at Mood, the designers reveal their plans. Terri is going to create something that is classic Americana sportswear (What ever that is. I have visions of square dance costumes and bad stage productions of Paint Your Wagon. I think she meant American sportswear.)

Pop quiz: who says that they will be making some thing that is “bold, fur, progressive, leatha, aerodynamic and like modern gladiators”? Yeah. Right. Stellicous.

Jerell is going back to the 1940s and 50s for suits and blazers. Daniel whines that he’s totally into glamour and that this challenge has nothing to do with him. Is it just me or is there a lot, and I mean a metric shit ton lot more whining this year than in past seasons?

Korto is going to use leather and linen. Kenley has a cobalt blue over-sized plaid. Stellicious has glommed onto some black stretch satin, which she is going to trim with red, white and blue. There is drama as Keith steals Terri’s op-art red and white chiffon. (Where the HELL is my chiffon?) Terri, who will never play to stereotype, delivers a “Oh, no, you DI’N’T!” with a tear in her eye and a straight face. Leanne or Jennifer says that Stellicious’ work looks like a “goth night club”. Stellicious is all “There’s a lot of bikers who watch the Olympics.” Which may very well be, but they are neither the sponsors of same nor are they competing in any sport. Unless boob-flashing, drinking and beating someone with bike chains become Olympic sports.

Tim makes the rounds, gives the designers until midnight to complete their looks, and adds that the winner gets immunity in the next challenge. He does not say “Make it work” but instead tells them to pull the stops out and work hard.

PUMPING IRON(ing boards)
Leanne or Jennifer says that she was a cheerleader because she was a gymnast. Joe (who is straight and has two small daughters who play softball) played football in Junior High, but then everybody else grew and so he never made it to varsity. He took up sewing instead. And yes, he’s straight. Really. Daniel2.0 is going to make a cocktail dress, because drinking (see above about the bikers) should be an Olympic sport. I concur, and there’s a sport where age would have an advantage. I could try out.

Oompa-loompa-licious makes some feeble joke about being an Olympic tanner and that the medals only go to bronze. Ha. Ha. Ha. He’s killing me here. Terri’s making a jacket, pants, bustier and a shirt or a dickie or something. Jennifer is making a little skirt and a short swing jacket with a Peter Pan collar. Stellicious gets teased about her choice of color: “Stella, are you using black because we’re in a depression?” (That, on the other hand, is funny.) No, she says, in her nasal deadpan, because it’s tuff. Keith says he’s doing something playful with fleece and silk. Sounds vaguely dirty to me.

Joe, the straight dude, spends a long time bitching about Daniel2.0 and Kenley having a good time and working together. In fact, this leads to a lot of the designers whining about Kenley’s laugh and the fact that she and Daniel2.0 are getting along. They think that these two are having altogether too much of a good time and that they have no consideration for the miserable demeanors of those around them.

Korto talks about coming to America as a refugee and how America is, to her, a land of hopes and dreams and second chances. She always watches the Olympics and she is using white because she says those teams dressed in white always pop during the opening ceremonies. There’s an awful lot of back story, and I have a moment of fear that we will be going the female circumcision route again. Thankfully, this is not so.

As we head to commercials there is another Bravo poll which ridicules Oompa-loompa-licious and Stellicious. Back in the workroom, with three hours left till midnight, Tim comes in to review. First is Joe, who is working in red, white and blue. He’s making a skort, and he’s created a red and blue zipper by taking a zipper of each color apart, then recombining them. Tim is very impressed by this little detail and says it shows some wit.

IT WAS 20 YEARS AGO
Oompa-loompa-licious is making something. He says he wants to be literal, but clearly has no idea of what literal means, because when Tim doesn’t understand and asks Oompa-loompa-licious to explain his meaning, he says it means athletic. Tim says that rather than athletic, Oompa-loompa-licious’ garment looks a little Sergeant Pepper. Cue the crickets. Oompa-loompa-licious has no idea what Tim is referring to. Tim tells him. Oompa-loompa-licious points to something and says it’s a 1930’s cardigan and Tim says no it isn’t and walks off, but not before Oompa-loompa-licious gets him to say “holla atcha boy” one more time. The surrogate daughters grab the knitting needles out of my hands before I can stab myself with them.

Daniel2.0 is concerned that his cocktail dress is looking a little Superman-ish, and Tim assures him for Olympic athletes, this is a perfectly acceptable reference. Tim is concerned, however, that Daniel2.0 is starting to over-think himself and beginning to unravel…sort of like he does every challenge. Oh, Daniel2.0, eat a cookie. Relax.

Jerell is working with a menswear suiting fabric and is using it to construct a skirt with horizontal stripes. Tim, ever so delicately, points out that they are designing for women athletes, who are muscle-y, and might not want to wear horizontal stripes. Tim thinks the whole look is veering dangerously into Lucy Ricardo-land. As he comes up to Jennifer, Tim says that her work is looking a little matronly, again. There’s a full, pleated skirt in gold and white stripes. Kenley is talking Daniel2.0 out of making a matching bolero.

We cut to the sewing room, where we see Daniel2.0 working away on a machine, surrounded by about a dozen other machines, which are not in use. Joe, who is straight and used to play football, immediately starts in on Daniel2.0 for being on HIS machine. HIS machine is HIS machine because he’s been using that particular machine for a couple of days, and furthermore, had threaded it with white thread before wandering out of the workroom to do something else. Joe, who is straight, is escalating this argument into WAHmbulance territory. Suede does not refer to himself in the third person, but does interview that fighting over machines is “whackadoodle”. MizShoes gets misty-eyed, reminiscing over the good old days when Suede referred to himself in the third person and refrained from using words like gi-normous and whackadoodle. And then, with absolutely no self-awareness whatsoever, Joe (who is straight) interviews that the reason there is SO. MUCH. DRAMA is because there are “too many queens around.”

RUN, RUN, RUN (A)WAY
It is morning in the boys’ room and Jerell is moisturizing his thighs.

It’s runway day and the tension is high in the work room. Kenley and Daniel2.0 are using the same blue fabric, but for some reason, Kenley thinks that Daniel2.0’s is going to look purple on the runway and hers won’t.  Straight Joe has gotten over his little snit enough to say that he’s going to win, because the judges are going to be looking for red, white and blue and he has a background in sportswear. That made no sense, did it?

Also making no sense is Oompa-loompa-licious, who says that Jerell’s picture hat, pencil skirt and secretary blouse look like the fashions on the Titanic. In fact, they look like Dior’s New Look, only tacky and ill-made. Oompa-loompa-licious absolutely no sense of history, fashion or otherwise. Korto says that the room looks like the past, but she looks to the future.

On the runway, Heidi is wearing something, short, shiny and tight and looking fierce. So much for NinaGarcia’s cautionary statement about that combination. We meet the judges.

Korto’s look is a nice vest with some color detail like epaulets on the shoulders and a high-waisted, very well-fitted pant with super-wide legs.

Suede’s got a micro roller skating skirt (in satin)with a racer-back top. Kelli has done something that looks like the 50s (again). Blue pencil skirt with white detailing, secretary/rockabilly blouse with a big, floppy bow.

Joe has made a nice little skort with USA actually appliquéd down the side. The two-tone zippers are a very nice detail. The consensus in the living room is that this works perfectly for the challenge.

Leanne has made some kind of shapeless white top with a huge, fluffy peplum and an ascot-looking red/white/blue collar and shorts. Daniel2.0’s cocktail dress has the buttons from Mickey Mouse’s shorts down the front and looks like a 1960s stewardess uniform. Coffee, tea, or a 100 meter dash?

Jerell has made something truly ugly and truly awful with an absolutely abominable polka-dot hat and has stuck freaking Capri-length leggings under the skirt, just to add a little sartorial insult to sartorial injury.

Stellicious’ black stretch satin looks an awful lot like the crap she made last week: there is a vest, this one belly-revealing, and with semi-cap sleeves, and skin-tight Capri-length pants/leggings with an exposed zipper accenting the crotch. She’s accessorized with an ugly pair of bronze booties from the BlueFly wall. For a hard-core rocker, this look evokes nothing more than the “bad girl” costume Olivia Newton-John wears at the end of Grease.

Keith has made a micro-bubble skirt in a navy/white plaid, and paired it with a white, hip-length sleeveless blouse that has a huge, popped color. This is accessorized with a pair of long scarves: one navy, one red.

Terri’s red, white and blue bustier barely fits, but that problem is concealed by the cascading ruffles of her ascot/dickie/scarf made of the contested chiffon (which appeared nowhere in Keith’s outfit). The white pants are fitted, and have color detailing in the outside seam. The cropped blazer is really cute. Again, the living room is happy with this look.

Jennifer’s Peter Pan-collared navy swing jacket sits over a full, pleated gold and white skirt. It is very, very preppy and very, very cute. It is had nothing at all to do with sports, unless one intends to wear it to a polo match, or to dine on strawberries and cream on the grass at Wimbledon.

Oompa-loompa-licious has cranked out yet another one-sleeved, asymmetrical snooze fest. The pants are skin-tight, the top looks like a Flashdance remake. Kenley has used her immunity in this challenge to make a high-waisted, skin-tight skirt out of her large-scale plaid, which she has sewn on the bias. There is a high-collared white top with a large collar. As the model turns around, I see that the plaid doesn’t match, or even come within a shot-put throw of matching on the center seam.

WE WHO ARE ABOUT TO DIE
Heidi calls out Suede, Kelli, Stellicious, Leanne, Keith, Blayne and Kenley. These are the designers who are safe. The surrogate daughters and I exchange incredulous looks. We want what the judges are smoking, because we can’t believe that the designers who are left represent the best and worst. But the judges say they do, so what do we know?

Terri’s work is praised by Apolo who says that the colors pop and the look is American. Michael Kors says that it’s very Lauren Hutton, 1970s. NinaGarcia says that a team dressed in that outfit would be sharply dressed, indeed.

Jennifer claims that her look was inspired by a track suit from the 20s, but Heidi says that it is neither American nor Olympian. It is not strong, nor does it exude confidence. Furthermore, it is completely missing any athletic component. Well. That’s harsh. Accurate, but harsh.

Straight Joe, on the other hand, is praised for the zipper and the little athletic details. Apolo says that the look is very body-conscious and appropriate for athletes. Straight Joe glows with pride.

Daniel2.0 says that his look is modern. Apolo says that may be, but it is not athletic, at all. NinaGarcia says that there is nothing about the look that says USA and questions the color of the fabric, which looks purple on the runway. MK delivers the best line of the night when he says that the color is the least of the dress’ problems. Where is she from? He asks, putting his note card in front of first one eye and then the other, the Republic of Cocktail Land?

NinaGarcia loves Korto’s use of the super light weight leather and linen. It is, she declares: chic. Heidi loves it, too. Apolo says that it’s unique, comfortable and very modern, very ought eight.

Jerell is wearing something ridiculous: there’s a Nehru hat with stuff on it, and combat boots with his pants legs tucked in and lots of wicketywack on him, which perfectly (?) complements the over-the-top silliness of his outfit. He claims it is unique. MK almost chokes and says something like, yuh, but not in a good way. Apolo points out that it would be more at home on a movie set than in a track and field arena. NinaGarcia calls it Mary Had a Little Lamb. MK gets the last word, and that word is meshuggana.

As the judges tally up the scores, Terri gets all of Michael Kors’ love for sportswear separates. Joe, they say, made it look easy. They all love his athletic aesthetic. There is not so much love for Jennifer. Kors’ says her look represents a prim, romantic athlete who is bashful about her body, or, in other words, Jennifer can’t get past her own issues. About Daniel, they say that if your sport is drinking, the dress was perfect. Schnort. Does this mean I get a dress?

The gold goes to Korto! Huh? What happened to all the Terri and Straight Joe love?

They get the silver and bronze. Jerell is in. Why? The bottom two designers are Daniel, who missed the concept completely and is told that his sad little purple cocktail dress was “slutty, slutty, slutty” (what about the belly-baring stretch satin from Stellicious? That wasn’t slutty enough for you?) and Jennifer, who is stuck in the past as a designer, when the whole point of this show is the future. Needless to say, Jennifer goes home. And as she leaves, she reminds us once again that she was a surrealist. Jen? Honey? Go back to art school, and figure out what Surreal means, because it isn’t a Peter Pan collar. Unless you’ve painted one onto a giraffe… in a bathtub… and called it Pan-Nationalism.

Till next week, let’s keep the scissors sharp.