Open, interior apartment morning.
Jillian is wearing her best Rosie-the-Riveter mini rompers. Christian is doing his hair. Rami is blissed out. Enough of that, we’re off to Parson’s work room.
There is much eyeball rolling and darting glances as our final three try to see what the others have. Rami allows as how Christian is surprised by the scope of Rami’s collection. Jillian shows Tim a striped, u-neck sweater with sleeves that look like she took the pelt off a Komondor. Or micro-fiber dust mop. Rami has toned down the garish baby-shit yellow of the collection he showed Tim. There’s some glamorous antique lace that is a two-piece evening dress. Christian offers up a caveat to Tim that not all the pieces in his collection are wearable. It is, however, all black, ivory and brown. He’s nervous, and not the odious little queen we’ve grown to love.
Christian interviews that Jillian’s collection is soooo innovative, and Rami is soooo good, that he just doesn’t know how he can compete with them. With the snarky wit and wicked fast sewing skills you’ve shown all season? We see the designers playing with each other’s designs, and Christian is wearing the most fabulous black felt cloche with a crest of black feathers. It’s very helmet-like, and at the same time evocative of Dior’s bubble hats from the 60s, and flappers’ cloches from the 20s. Miz Shoes would like to order one in several colors. Jillian is nervous about casting, because she’s never done it and Christian says it’s her own fault and too damned bad. There’s some amusing footage of the three designers all trying to hire the same girls. Christian says that he needs fierce tallness and walks for days. Tall and dark.
T MINUS 2 and counting
Collier Strong comes to do the hair and make-up. Rami is looking for chiseled faces and deep shadows. Christian is going for pale eyes and strong brows and mouths. Jillian wants natural but dramatic.
Rami interviews that everything Christian does is over the top. Can Christian design for real women, and not just models? Rami wonders. The models come in for their fittings and Christian is cramming his girls’ feet into 7 inch heels. They cannot walk in them, and Christian scorns them for their inability, saying that he wore them around his apartment for days and he was fine in them. This is not as funny as you would think. He is calling the models bitches and telling them to not be late, and not to eat; he wants them skinny. This isn’t as funny as one might hope, either. In fact, even Miz Shoes, the old fag hag that she is, is finding this a bit over much and a maybe more than a little rude.
Jillian is now in a dither, second guessing her model choices and calling the casting agency to switch up girls. She’s warned it might not happen, but this is the cycle of bunnies and rainbows and love, and so she gets her wish. Tim calls the designers together for a last “Gather round.” There are group hugs and everyone tells everyone else how much they love them and how talented they are and Tim Gunn sheds a perfectly formed tear.
We approach Bryant Park in the dark, and Rami tells us that Bryant Park during Fashion Week is the heart that pumps the blood of the fashion industry in America. Dude. Word dat. We have another group hug.
Christian’s bitches are late, with the last girl wandering in with only 30 minutes to runway. Passive aggressive? Or just stupid, unprofessional and lame? We see Christian doing his hair ONE MORE TIME and he interviews that he kinda hopes he wins? Because there is nothing in the pipeline and he’s kinda out of options? Fierce.
As the entire world knows by now, the fabulous celebrity judge is no lesser a star than Posh. Mis Shoes considers stabbing herself in the eye with the little plastic cocktail sword which is holding her olives. She opts for just eating the olive.
Jillian’s collection is first. Jillian herself is wearing an adorable winter white, cable-knit, strapless, full skirted little dress. Her collection is coats, leggings, Apocalyptic Trench Coats, short anorak style coats with inside elbow cut-outs for emergency blood transfusions, a variation of her little gold final challenge dress, another coat, the Komondor-sleeved sweater, pleated little skirts and leggings. And maybe some other stuff that I didn’t see because JoJo, the dog of very little brain, jumped on the couch and did something to the remote control which turned off the teevee and made it almost impossible to get it back on and hooked up with the cable.
Rami comes out to introduce his collection and claims that it celebrates women. The blue coat with the weird-ass armored sleeved is sent out first. It’s an awful shade of blue, honestly. Then there is a suit with a tulip skirt and it’s boring and blue. An ugly baby doll. Then the dress that won the walk-off, the two-toned white on grey and grey on white polka-dotted heavily sculpted/draped dress. A blouse of the same dotted fabric, with puffy sleeves, and a leather bustier that looks sort of like the shape that Daniel V showed in season 2. Black and red, red and black. Jodhpurs with outlandishly large hip balloons. A dress with a quilted neck panel, and another gown in olive and bronze with a woven bodice. The two evening dresses, ivory with a fish tail, and the black with the hip pads that we saw him show Tim. The overall look is nice. I’m not crazy about his color usage. The RLA loved the colors, though. Of course, he’s a man and he acknowledged that the colors were traditional camouflage colors.
Christian bounces out and is (I sort of hate myself for saying this: adorable). He looks around at the tent and tells the audience that they all look fierce. Let the games begin. Tight black pants and an over the top cropped jacket with puffy sleeves. And another one. And another one. And a ginormous Breakfast at Tiffany’s hat with the foofy, organza petal, neck thing that Tim thought was a skirt. Peach skinny pants. A brown/beige/ivory sort of vertical version of the Avant Garde challenge dress. Pretty amazing. The last look, which is feathers and ivory and gold and chiffons and what’s another word for over the top? Crazy fabulous. Posh keeps poking Michael Kors and stage whispering that she loves this. Ya think?
Back at the Parsons runway room, the designers face off with the judges. Michael Kors tells Jillian that she made knitwear exciting. I guess. I still want the dress she was wearing. I’m not sure that anyone with arms larger than toothpicks could wear that Komondor sweater. NinaGarcia thinks that she had too many looks. Posh doesn’t say anything worth noting.
Christian, on the other hand, gets told that he’s MAJAH. Oh, hoho. Is that her trademark phrase? Who fucking cares? Fucking POSH SPICE was the best they could do? Why couldn’t we have had Roberto Cavalli for our final judge? I’d rather have seen Gwen Stephani up there. Anyway, Posh loves him and he loves her and offers to dress her anytime and she says OK, and you know she just wanted to stuff him in her pocket and take him home right then and there. NinaGarcia brings us back to earth by saying it was a tad repetitive and there was too much black.
Rami gets the love from NinaGarcia, but Michael Kors tells him that the colors he used sucked. And they did. I cast a triumphant eye over at the RLA when Michael made his declaration. NinaGarcia mangles the English language one last time by telling Rami that the area where he “really shined” was eveningwear.
With the designers back in the green room, the judges decide that Jillian’s show was accessible and feminine, but that she hasn’t really found her voice yet. Christian opened strong and kept going. NinaGarcia thinks that his work is overwrought and needs to look effortless, but the all agree he walks what he talks. Rami is given the brainy, cerebral tag, and NinaGarcia understates that maybe Rami has a challenge with color.
The winner is Christian, and I get the feeling that he, for all his fierceness and bravado, didn’t expect to. I suddenly love him to pieces. He cries. I love him more. Rami is a gracious loser. Jillian. not quite so much. Heidi kisses our little Christian and tells him he is “uber fierce.” And he is. We end with Christian telling us that he’s off for a breakybreak, cause gurl needs a vaycay. I miss him already.
Next week? Only ANTM, which is trash to this treasure.