And frankly, without NinaGarcia and Michael Kors, and with the guest judges from the middle of the C list (hell, I’d be happier with the queen of the D-listers, Miss Kathy Griffith as a judge), who even cares? It’s getting harder and harder to watch this mess, and even harder to recap.
But, press on regardless. Hah! MizShoes made a joke about ironing. We begin, as usual with a recap of last week’s loser and a bile green LA morning. Carol Hannah is happy that Qristyl is gone. Johnny swears that he’ll never be in the bottom three again, and Althea must remain on her game. Irina complains that the winning dress shouldn’t have won, and DanielFranco Lite says that Johnny and Irina don’t deserve to be there. That only he deserves to be there. That they should just name him the winner and call it a season, and you know, except for the part about him being the winner, there is some merit to that suggestion.
Heidi is on the runway in a stripey shirt. They have another field trip. The answers to their questions will be in black and white. Gasps! Heidi mocks them for their drama queenyness. Miz Shoes mocks them for that and their general lack of personalities, talent and all around cluelessness. In the van, they make lame guesses as to what black and white might mean. Old movies? No. The Los Angeles Times, where they are introduced to the Times’ fashion critic, Booth Moore. She, or Tim, announce that Fashion IS News. (Ha, in yer fuckin’ dreams) and that the challenge is to use newspaper and/or the blank rolls of newsprint to make a design.
There are five stacks of sections: Image, Sports, Business, News and something else. The designers have three minutes to grab paper. In the studio, there are dyes, brushes, markers and the instructions that they can use muslin as a support structure. They have till midnight: winner gets immunity.
Christian is going to do a fitted bodice and full skirt, just like he does every week. But this will be different, because he’s making it out of paper. Althea claims cluelessness, but doesn’t care because she has immunity. Carol Hannah has an idea. DanielFranco Lite has a lot of bitching to do about the challenge and all the other designers. Irina is going to mix materials and colors and use it so it doesn’t look like paper. Shirin is making something out of papier maché. Logan is over Shirin. She chatters. To herself. Out loud. In fact, everyone is over Shirin. We see the other designers hating on her as she chatters like a magpie.
Johnny is making origami cranes, and they are going to hold up his dress from the shoulders. He’s made a lot of red paper. DanielFranco Lite has an opinion about it. He says it looks like a lot of wrinkled paper covered in pig’s blood. Ra’Mon is inspired by the pattern of words and images on the printed page. Louise is going to make a dress out of headlines. Gordana is going to make two garments. Something about Time 2 Change? Tim says to just make the change.
Irina hates the dress she made and wants to make a trench coat instead. Tim tells her to go ahead and do it. Irina is going to do it with no muslin. Tim is not happy with Johnny’s work. He says that he (Tim) is “woeful”. That it looks like a craft project gone awry. Johnny says that the birds are holding the dress up and Tim says no, that they are attacking it. Tim tells DanielFranco Lite that he has a good trajectory and to maintain. Don’t go costume-y. Christopher wants to make a show stopper and Tim tells him that it could very will be. Tim is inspired by this walkabout, and can’t wait to see the show. Tim and nobody else.
Johnny listens to Uncle Tim and thows away his messy red dress, and starts gluing tiles of paper onto muslin. Irina listens to Uncle Tim and begins construction on a trench coat. DanielFranco Lite tells us that his inspiration is punk rock and that he’s making a punk rock dress. Miz Shoes wakes herself up with a particularly loud snore.
Irina is making a faux Persian lamb collar and cuffs on her little trench coat by crumpling up little bits of plain newsprint and then uncrumpling them and glueing them onto the basic form. It reminds Miz Shoes of the prom floats that we made in high school with chicken wire and paper napkins. Shirin is panicking that she’s made a strapless dress with a heavy skirt. Will it fall off the model as she stomps the runway? We can only hope for that kind of drama.
Johnny hallucinates that he had a steamer accident and that’s why his dress was awful/he had to start over. Or was it that the iron sputtered water while in steam mode? The story changes with each repetition. And Johnny repeats it over and over as the other designers laugh at him and say “Johnny you’re a liar”. (Springsteen reference) Over morning coffee, we see that Irina and Louise like Althea’s dress, and that they don’t like Nicolas. Epperson graciously says that Johnny has his form under a drape for a reason, implying that there might be something both surprising and good. Someone says the reason is comic relief. So much for that.
Ra’Mon has done separates. Irina is still working the crumples. Tim says “Rally!” Gordana has (as always) made something very well constructed. Carol Hannah can’t get her dress of her mannequin and has no idea how she’s going to get it on her model. Althea is trash talking Irina. DanielFranco Lite is trash talking every one and saying that his dress is full-on punk rock. Johnny says that it’s Stump Rock. Or dino chic.
On the runway, Heidi is in something short, shiny and tight. Is she losing her accent? The judges are Tommy Hilfiger, Zoe Glassner and Eva Longoria-Parker. Ho-fucking hum. Runway goes by in a blur:
Logan’s dress is interesting, fitted and he’s used the paper to create blue trim. DanielFrano Lite has petal-shaped panels over the hips. Christopher’s bodice looks like leather or enamel and the feather skirt is feathery. Ra’Mon has a top and skirt. Epperson has played with volume and shape (again, and why do we not see more of him and his work? PLEASE???) with a portrait collar over a kimono shape. Johnny’s is meh. Gordana has done a fitted top and a pleated skirt. Carol Hannah has a red paper gown. It’s a little rumpled. Shirin has made something very evocative of Leanne’s origami petals. Irina’s trench coat is sharp. The body is made of printed newsprint, and the collar and cuffs out of blank. Althea’s is interesting. And Louise has made something that looks like it came out of the Cirque de Soleil costume shop, in a bad way.
Johnny, Nicolas, Christopher, Althea, Gordana and Irina are the top and bottom designers. Althea’s work is based on a repeat of an image of a building, that she used to make a fitted dress. Tommy Hilfiger calls it genius and well executed. Like he would know. Eva L-P loves it because it emphasizes the model’s ass, and she’s all about the ass.
Gordana’s look was conventional. Heidi says that it is too wearable and average. Irina has just blown poor Eva away. Tommy H says something incomparably stupid about it being Coco Channel meets St. Laurent meets somebody else in the nebulous 60s-70s (which were, snarks Miz Shoes, SOOOO stylistically similar). But there is scotch tape showing and the length is wrong says someone else.
Johnny is clocked for not spending enough time on his piece of shit, and he trots out the steamer story. Heidi says the whole look is a little “working girl” and she doesn’t mean the movie. Johnny says that his first look was absolutely Dior, and Nicolas laughs out loud and says that the steamer story is a flat out lie and Johnny calls him a jerk and ho-fucking hum. I’ve seen better bitch fights on South Beach over a seat at a bar. But then Tommy H says that DanielFranco Lite’s dress is no more punk rock than Tommy is. Christopher’s dress gets the love and the designers are packed off to the green room to scratch each other’s eyes out while the “judges” discuss.
Christopher, Althea and Irina are the top three, with the trench coat called couture. Gordana is too safe. DanielFranco Lite’s dress was fug. They didn’t see the punk rock influence at all. Johnny’s honesty is questioned. DUDE! He’s a fucking junkie. His honesty is by definition questionable. DUH.
Althea, who had immunity anyway, is in. Irina’s little faux Persian lamb is the winner, and she gets applause for risk taking, and immunity for the next challenge. Christopher and Gordana are in. Johnny and Nicolas are the bottom two. Johnny is a liar with a lot of excuses and no discernible talent. Nicolas is a prissy bitch who had an idea that he couldn’t execute, but at least he had an idea, so he gets to stay.
Johnny leaves, and gives an exit interview in which he declares himself lost and empty. He says it was easier to give up crystal meth than to get thrown off the show. He snivels a lot and whines that he wanted to go to Bryant Park. Tim sends him off to clear out his workspace, and the minute he leaves, Tim lets loose with a blast of righteous indignation. “That was preposterous! I can’t believe he tried that steamer crap on the judges! Clutch the pearls!”
If it weren’t for Tim’s twitterpation and fluttery vexation, there wouldn’t have been a show at all this week. Where is NinaGarcia? Where is Michael Kors?? Where are designers with talent? What happened to Project Runway? Is it even worth watching the rest of the season? We’ll find out next week.