So last week on Project Runway, Bob’s Big Boy came back and continued to pretty much suck. Andrea and Little Harajuku Gurl had enough of this and left with varying degrees of dignity and being called quitters. MizShoes instituted a new drinking game: take a shot every time someone says “aesthetic.” Buffi got sent home for making layers of ill-fitting, badly-tailored schmatas because we already had a winner who did that AND sported a Mohawk AND had an unplaceable British accent.
Morning in the Atlas where, Ommigawd, now it’s getting serious and we need to keep our heads
out of our asses in the game. Miss Gunnar RagingDramaQueen is whining in his nails on a black board way about something or someone, and MizShoes fast forwards past.
Heidi comes onto the runway with The Button Bag of Doom (TM) and the designers let out a collective groan. Next, Heidi calls for NinaGarcia to help explain the challeng in a voice so shrill that the Siamese cat looked at the tv with an expression that said “really?” NinaGarcia explains the challenge: its the Marie Claire sponsorship product placement episode. The designers will have to create a “capsule collection” that is editorial and designed for a working woman fashionista. And you have no time and no money AND you’ll have to art direct and style a photo shoot of said collection, AND those photos will be judged AND will factor into the winning score. Oh joy, a group challenge. AESTHETIC! Take a shot! There will be blood. As last week’s winner, Sanjay gets to pick her first team mate, and she opts for Natasha. Rilly? Because she is wound a little tight, you know? And then begins a round of Trash Talk Confessionals as each designer claims they’d rather die than work in a team, especially a team with another contestant, because at this point in the season each of them heartily loathes all the others.
Some dude named Nathan who has never seen a minute of airtime before his button was drawn gets up and chooses Ven Diagram, who modestly tells Nathan Dude that he made the right choice. Natasha picks April Junior, Ven grabs Mini MiCo, April tags Boris, Mini MiCo names Flavio Flav, much to Bob’s Big Boy’s chagrin and prissiness. Mini MiCo explains that it isn’t personal, but Bob’s Big Boy doesn’t get along with Ven, and since Ven is the team member with taste, tailoring skills and a win, keeping Ven happy is more important than whether the guy who already got sent home once is happy. Boris grabs Crunchy Granola, and that leaves Miss Gunnar and Bob’s Big Boy. Miss Gunnar is already winding herself up into a major snit at being left on the playground until the last choice, but gets picked by Flavio because, let’s face it, nobody wants that pariah, Bob’s Big Boy, anywhere near their work table. Boy’s Big Boy takes being the last kitten in the box very poorly.
There is a 6-person team and a 5-person team. Two hundred dollars per person at Mood. One look per person per team, but the work can be split up. The 5-guys proceed logically and work as a team, except for Miss Gunnar, who is seen as the weak link in terms of skill and taste. He knows it and seethes and flounces and hisses for the remainder of the episode. He determines to do his own thing, regardless.
Sniping. Product placement. Chaos in Team 6. Winner’s edit on Team 5. AESTHETIC! Take a shot! Chaos at Mood. Natasha loses some fabric, and nobody goes back for it, as in seasons past, so there’s more DRAMA. More bad behavior by Miss Gunnar and Bobs Big Boy. In the 6-man bobsled team, Natasha goes off the rails in a hail of f-bombs and behavior that prompts Boris to say that she acts like she just came in from the woods, by which MizShoes takes it that Natasha has just been called a feral child. MizShoes is just saying that she’d never want to be in a lifeboat with her.
AESTHETIC! AESTHETIC! Take two shots! Tim comes in for walkabout and has been hitting the judge’s crack pipe because he loves pretty much everything from both teams. Insert half an hour of smack talk, psychotic episodes, bullying and misrepresentational footage. Miss Gunnar, Natasha and Bobs Big Boy vie for the title of Fame Whore of the Week(TM). MizShoes fast forwards through to the fashion show. Joanna Coles, the Editor in Chief of Marie Claire and a woman who appreciates a bra is the guest judge.
First up is Ven’s one-shouldered, blouson top in a patterned silk chiffon and a pair of pants that MizShoes loves despite them having a sarong-type mock-wrap front/closure and despite the stated season for this collection being fall and them being resort white. And while there is no way that top would pass the corporate dress code, MizShoes is convinced she could rock those trousers, especially in a color other than white. Next is Mini MiCo doing another instance of his signature trick: bias-cutting narrow strips of a print and deploying them upon a firmer base, in this instance softening a pencil skirt and giving a little edge to a floral chiffon. Miss Gunnar sends out an atrocity of a dress that triggers a round of flopping boob jokes from Heidi and the other judges. MizShoes says the only place that could be worn to work would be if the office were under the third street light on the left at the corner of Biscayne and 79th Street, if you know what she means.
Flavio Flav has made a cute enough color blocked dress, but there are zippers in each side seam, or the seams are too heavy, or the dress does not fit in some way because when that girl walks the runway, her be-turbanned head held high, the side seams are buckling in and out like saw teeth along her sides. Finally, Ven diagram walks a beautifully made black, sculptural top and a beautifully made white skirt that suffers from some very bad static cling. Snore. Seen this every challenge already. Boris thinks Ven is a one show monkey or, in correctly idiomatic slang, a one trick pony.
Team Dysfunctional throws down a mixed bag of looks, starting with April Junior’s cobalt blue sheath dress with a funnel neck that looks more like a funnel cloud neck and that has a zipper that curves from one side slit up and around the hip to the center, more or less, of the back of the neck, Crunchy Granola’s gorgeous tweedy pants and ends with Boris’ color-blocked dress with interesting shoulder details (where’s Hayden Pantywaist when you need her?) and a port hole in the back for easy tramp stamp viewing. And then there is the crap that Bob’s Big Boy insisted on doing.
The judges can’t decide and have scored a tie. There is specious discussion among the judges, and then April Junior and her wind tunnel dress win, and Miss Gunnar RagingadramaQueen and Bob’s Big Boy are the only two left on the stage, just as they were the last two picked on the playground at the beginning of this challenge.
Bob’s Big Boy gets the boot for the second time, and staying classy to the end, leaves on a high note by telling Natasha that he flat out hates her. Good times.